Procratination is the slayer of many go-doers that wish for more and yet have nothing to show for it. It's the gunman of the dreams that many (a.k.a. me) want to achieve big projects or big goals that require consistency and stability. It is, in fewer words, my biggest enemy.
Throughout my life I've been battling with procrastination in epic battles of will that most of the time I end up losing. I decide I want to do something, decide when I want to do it, decide how I want to go about it, I get excited when the time comes to do a THING... and yet... the hour passes. I am still doing nothing. The day is gone and my opportunity has fled and now I am in a limbo of undecisiveness. I want to start what I wanted to start, but now I feel ashamed because I didn't stick to the original plan and I just didn't do it. I want to, but I can't anymore. I want to, but all that motivation is gone.
That limbo of shame and guilt is strange. Why should I feel shame that I didn't do something exactly when I wanted to do it? Why not just do it right then and there, even if it's later? Why not paint what I wanted to paint? Why not draw what I wanted to draw? Why am I still stuck in a boring loop of online videos and posts that do nothing for me except waste time?
Admittedly sometimes I find something that really entertains me and I end up watching/reading it until the very end and I enjoy that time, but many other times I am simply clicking on things that I am just bored of watching or hearing and yet... I continue...
I have nothing to gain from it except wasted hours and I am tired of it.
I am tired of not painting, not drawing, not filming, not editing, not recording, not achieving. I am tired of consuming so much of other's people's creations when I am fully capable and willing of making my own. Why do I hesitate? What can I do to change?
Well, I think for me there is a type of structure I was missing. I have a day job that doesn't require anything more than being nice to customers and being fast on the floor. When I leave I am free to do whatever I want and this type of freedom where I can too easily convince myself to waste time is detrimental to my overall goal of making art a primary job.
In my case I have decided to keep a bullet journal. I am new at this and I am not too good at following my own tasks, but it helps me whenever I'm planing out something and it gives me a sense of duty. I have the things I need to follow and I have a time frame to do them in. Something about writing them down gives me a sense of satisfaction, as well as marking things as finished.
It's still too early to say whether this bullet journal will be a saving grace. Maybe it will solely save me from my drifting self, maybe I will need to try something else in addition to it, but it's helping and I am glad.
And if nothing else, I can at least cross out "Make a blog post" off my list.